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{{Short description|System of matchmaking in for Jewish singles}}
{{Jews and Judaism sidebar|Culture}}
The '''''Shidduch''''' ({{langx|he|שִׁדּוּךְ}}, pl. '''''shidduchim''''' {{Script/Hebrew|שִׁדּוּכִים}}, [[Jewish Babylonian Aramaic|Aramaic]] {{lang|tmr|שידוכין}} '''''shidduchin''''') is a system of [[matchmaking]] in which Jewish singles are introduced to one another<ref name=NYT.11>{{cite news |newspaper=[[The New York Times]] |url=https://archive.nytimes.com/www.nytimes.com/interactive/2011/09/11/magazine/WTWTmarital.html?src=tp |title=Seeking a Marital Blessing, Queens, N.Y. |quote=My friends set me up ... It's called a shidduch. |date=September 11, 2011 }}</ref> in [[Orthodox Judaism|Orthodox Jewish]] communities for the purpose of [[Marriage in Judaism|marriage]].

== The practice ==
In the past and until today in more conservative Orthodox Jewish circles, dating is limited to the search for a marriage partner. Both sides (usually the parents, close relatives or friends of the persons involved, and the singles themselves) make inquiries about the prospective partner (e.g., on his/her character, intelligence, level of [[Torah study|learning]], financial status, family and health status, appearance, and level of religious observance).<ref>{{cite web |title=She Pairs Up the "Chabad Misfits"
|website=COLlive.com |url=http://www.collive.com/show_news.rtx?id=50133
|date=April 3, 2018
|quote=New York Times reports ... Before making a shidduch, ... degree of religious practice, family background}}</ref><ref>{{Cite journal |last=Block |first=Sima Zalcberg |date=2013 |title='The Art of the Deal': Preferences in Spouse Selection among Parents in a Hasidic Community |url=https://www.jstor.org/stable/43771863 |journal=Israel Studies Review |volume=28 |issue=2 |pages=61–82 |issn=2159-0370}}</ref>

A ''shidduch'' often begins with a recommendation from family members, friends, or others who see matchmaking as a [[mitzvah]], or commandment. Some engage in it as a profession and charge a fee for their services. Usually, a professional matchmaker is called a ''[[#Shadchan|shadchan]]'', but anyone who makes a ''shidduch'' is considered the ''shadchan'' for that ''shidduch''.<ref name=TorasAv>{{cite web
|url=https://torasavigdor.org/rav-avigdor-miller-on-finding-a-good-shidduch
|title=Rav Avigdor Miller on Finding a Good Shidduch}}</ref>

After the match has been proposed, the prospective partners meet a number of times to gain a sense of whether they are right for one another. The number of dates prior to announcing an engagement may vary by community. In some, the dating continues several months. In stricter communities, the couple may decide a few days after originally meeting with each other. Also, the age when ''shidduchim'' start may vary by community. In [[frum]] circles, especially among [[Hasidic Judaism|Hasidim]], [[18 (number)#In religion and literature|eighteen is the age]] when ''shidduchim'' start and ''shadchanim'' take notice.

Those who support marriage by shidduch believe that it complies with traditional [[Judaism]]'s outlook on ''[[Tzniut]]'', modest behaviour in relations between men and women,<ref name=NYT.11/><ref>"we abstain from touching before marriage."</ref> and prevents [[promiscuity]]. It may also be helpful in small Jewish communities where meeting prospective marriage partners is limited, and this gives them access to a broader spectrum of potential candidates.

If the shidduch does not succeed, the shadchan is usually contacted and tells the other side that the arrangement will not be going ahead. If the shidduch is successful, the couple informs the shadchan of its success.

In recent years, a number of shidduchim sites have appeared on the [[Internet]].

== Bashow ==
The prospective partners either date each other, or, in stricter [[Haredi Judaism|Haredi]] communities, they go to a '''"bashow"''',<ref>{{cite web
|url=http://www.shemayisrael.com/rabbiforsythe/zivug/bashow.htm
|title=Rabbi Forsythe on Finding Your Zivug - Bashow Minhag}}</ref> or sit-in.<ref name=WordPress1>They 
don't "go out". {{cite web
|url=https://orthodoxsunflower.wordpress.com/2015/02/12/the-hasidic-way-of-dating-and-marriage-in-honor-of-valentine  |title=Orthodox Sunflower}}</ref> The practice has been called "a [[Chaperone (social)|chaperoned]] quasi-date".<ref>{{cite web 
|title=What's the etymology of the Hassidic term "b'sho'ah" for a chaperoned quasi-date 
|url=https://judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/5189/whats-the-etymology-of-the-hassidic-term-bshooh-for-a-chaperoned-quasi-date}}</ref>

A typical ''bashow'' scene is that the young man, with his parents, goes to see the young woman in her house (or that of someone hosting),<ref name=WordPress1/><ref>"We had made up to meet in a friend's house</ref> to see if the prospective couple are compatible. Both sets of parents talk to each other, and then, when the setting is more relaxed, they go into another room, leaving the man and woman in the living room to speak between themselves. Some use this opportunity to actually ask each other pertinent questions, while some just want to see if they like each other, relying more on the information they got from the ''shadchen'' or from other people. The number of ''bashow''s prior to announcing an engagement varies, as some have many ''bashow''s, while others have as few as one, which is typical among the children of [[Hasidic Judaism|Hasidic]] [[Rebbe]]s.{{cn|date=September 2024}}

== Bashert ==
''Bashert'' (or ''beshert''; [[Yiddish]]: {{wikt-lang|yi|באַשערט}}) means "destiny".<ref>{{cite web  |website=[[The New York Times]]  |date=November 9, 2014
|url=https://www.nytimes.com/2014/11/09/fashion/weddings/called-by-destiny-like-generations-before-them.html
|title=Called by Destiny, Like Generations Before Them 
|quote=word ... in Yiddish, to describe the encounter: "bashert,"” or destiny.
|author=Jane Gordon Julien}}</ref>
(Compare Middle High German beschern: “to preordain, destine, allot, distribute”.<ref name=Wiktionary>[https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/bescheren#German Bescheren]</ref>
Compare also German ''beschert'', meaning "bestowed" or "given".
Others insist that it comes from the Yiddish ''sher'' meaning "scissors" or "shears"; this etymology is less likely.<ref>{{Cite web|last=Levin|first=Sala|title=Jewish Word: Beshert| url=https://momentmag.com/jewish-word-beshert/|website=Moment Magazine|date=30 August 2013 |language=en}}</ref>)
It is often used to refer to one's divinely preordained spouse or [[soulmate]], who is called one's ''basherte'' (female) or ''basherter'' (male). It can also be used to express the seeming fate or destiny of an auspicious or important event, friendship, or happening.

In modern usage, Jewish singles will say that they are looking for their ''bashert'', meaning they are looking for that person who will complement them perfectly, and whom they will complement perfectly. Since it is considered to have been Heavenly preordained whom one will marry, one's spouse is considered to be one's ''bashert'' by definition, independent of whether the couple's marital life works out well or not.<ref>[[Yevamot]], 63b</ref>

=== Zivug ===
{{see also|Divine providence in Judaism}}
A somewhat related word is ''zivug''.<ref>{{cite web
|url=https://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/473932/jewish/Split-Your-Sea.htm
|title=Split Your Sea}}</ref> The word includes the letters for the Hebrew word ''zug'', pair; the transliteration subsets/matches too.<ref>{{cite news |newspaper=Jewish Chronicle
   |url=https://www.thejc.com/judaism/jewish-words/zivug-1.8071
   |title=Zivug}}</ref> God has [[pleasure]] also with the [[Yichudim]] of Jewish couple: ''[[Shekhinah]] is present with union ... the "[[wedding]]"''.<ref>''[[Zohar]], Rabbi [[Shimon Bar Yochai]]</ref> All desire may be for God, and ''all pleasures come from "divine spiritual source"''.<ref>''[[Isaac Luria]]''</ref>

== Biblical matchmaking ==
{{Unreferencedsection|date=September 2024}}
The first recorded ''shidduch'' in the Torah was the match that [[Eliezer]], the servant of the Jewish patriarch [[Abraham]], made for his master's son [[Isaac]] ([[Book of Genesis|Genesis]] Ch. 24). Abraham gave him specific instructions to choose a woman from Abraham's own tribe. Eliezer traveled to his master's homeland to fulfill Abraham's wishes, arriving at a well. After a short prayer to God for guidance, describing how a virtuous woman might act toward a traveling stranger at the well, [[Rebecca (biblical figure)|Rebekah]] appeared on the scene, and did everything described in Eliezer's prayer. Eliezer then went with Rebekah to her family, and appealed to them for permission to take Rebekah back with him to be Isaac's wife. Once this permission was granted, Rebekah joined Eliezer on the road home to Isaac. Even so, Isaac gained his own impression of her before agreeing to marry her (Rashi, commentary to Genesis 24:67).

However, when Eliezer proposes to take Rebekah back to Isaac in [[Canaan]], he is told by Rebekah's family: "Let us ask the maiden" (''i. e.'', Rebekah). This is taken as an instruction for Jewish parents to weigh their child's opinion in the balance during an [[arranged marriage]]. Regardless of whether proper procedure is followed, this is not the end of the decision—it is believed by Jews that the final say belongs to God, who may have different plans (compare with the match of [[Jacob]] and [[Leah]]).

== Talmudic references ==
The [[Talmud]] (Bavli [[Nashim|Kiddushin]] 12a, first version) states that academy head [[Abba Arikha]] would give [[corporal punishment]] to a man who would marry without ''shidduchin'', that is,<ref>Rashi Kiddushin 13a, Bedishadich (בדשדיך)</ref> without prearrangement by the couple. The text gives three versions of his practice; the other two versions disagree. Some authorities rule according to the first version,<ref>[[Maimonides]], ''[[Mishneh Torah]]'', Women, Laws of ''Ishut'', 3:22 and Sanctity, Laws of Prohibited Relations, 21:14</ref><ref>[[Joseph Karo]], ''[[Shulchan Aruch]]'', III:26:4</ref> while others rule according to the other two versions.<ref>Hagahot Maimoniot on ''Mishneh Torah'', Sanctity, ad. loc.</ref><ref>Rema on ''Shulchan Aruch'' ad. loc.</ref>

In Kiddushin 41a, it states that a man should not marry a woman he has not seen, lest he come to violate "love your neighbour as yourself".

The [[etymology]] of the words "shidduch" and "shadchan" is uncertain. The medieval [[rabbi]] [[Nissim of Gerona]] (commonly called ''Ran'') traces it to the [[Aramaic]] word for "calm" (cf. [[Targum]] to the [[Book of Judges]] 5:31), and elaborates that the main purpose of the ''shidduch'' process is for young people to "''settle down''" into marriage.<ref>{{cite book | author=Nissim of Gerona | title=Commentary to [[Isaac Alfasi|Alfasi's]] ''Halachot'', Shabbat 5b s.v. ''ein meshadchin''}}</ref> According to [[Marcus Jastrow|Jastrow]], the word means to "negotiate" or "stipulate" (the financial terms of a betrothal).<ref>[https://www.sefaria.org.il/Jastrow%2C_%D7%A9%D6%B8%D7%81%D7%93%D6%B7%D7%9A%D6%B0?lang=bi Jastrow dictionary, שָׁדַךְ]</ref>

== Shadchan ==
'''{{lang|he-Latn|Shadchan}}''' ({{Langx|he|[[wikt:שדכן|שַׁדְּכָן]]}}, plural {{lang|he|שַׁדְּכֳנִם}} {{lang|he-Latn|shadchanim}}, female {{wikt-lang|he|שַׁדְכָנִית}} {{lang|he-Latn|shadchanit}}, is a [[Hebrew]] word for [[matchmaking|matchmaker]];<ref name=TorasAv/> Yiddish: '''Shadkhn'''.

The word {{lang|he-Latn|shadchan}} refers to people who carry out {{lang|he-Latn|shidduchim}} as a profession within the religious Jewish community.<ref name=Yent.NPR/> However, {{lang|he-Latn|shadchan}} can also be used to refer to anyone<ref name=TorasAv/> who introduces two single Jews to one another with the hope that they will form a couple.

One of the characters in the musical ''[[Fiddler on the Roof]]'' is a matchmaker named Yente. Because of this, the name {{lang|yi-Latn|[[Yenta]]}} ({{lang|yi|[[wikt:יענטע|יענטע]]}}) is sometimes mistakenly taken to be a synonym for {{lang|he-Latn|shadchan}}.<ref name=Yent.NPR>{{cite web |publisher=[[NPR]] |date=June 13, 2012 |url=https://www.npr.org/sections/money/2012/06/14/154955498/whats-a-yenta |title=What's a Yenta? |last=Joffe-Walt |first=Chana |access-date=October 7, 2019 }}</ref>

=== Shadchanus gelt ===
'''{{lang|yi-Latn|Shadchanus}}'''<ref>{{cite book |url=https://www.israelbookshoppublications.com/store/pc/Shadchanus-in-Halachah-p1213.htm |title=Shadchanus in Halachah }}</ref> ({{lang|yi|שדכנות}}) is the money ({{langx|yi|[[wikt:געלט|געלט]]}}, {{lang|yi-Latn|gelt}}) paid to the party/parties<ref>Sometimes split equally, depending on the situation.{{Cite web |author=Rabbi Yosef Yeshaya Braun |url=http://www.halacha2go.com/blog/tx00216 |title=Shadchanus Gelt}}</ref> who brokered a successful pairing. It is a brokerage fee, not a gift, and can't be paid from funds intended for charity ({{lang|he|[[wikt:מעשר|מַעֲשֵׂר]]}} {{lang|he-Latn|[[maaser]]}}).<ref name=OU.part1>{{Cite web |publisher=[[Orthodox Union]] |url=https://www.ou.org/torah/halacha/practical-halacha/paying-shadchan-part-1 |title=Paying The Shadchan (Part 1) |author=Rabbi Avi Zakutinsky}}</ref> Usually it is paid by the parents,<ref>{{cite web |url=https://rabbikaganoff.com/tag/shadchanus-gelt |title=shadchanus gelt}}</ref> and it is common that each pays an equal amount.<ref>{{cite web |url=https://COLlive.com/when-how-to-pay-a-shadchan |title=When, How to Pay a Shadchan? |date=2 September 2017 }}</ref>

==Bat-Kohen ==
{{Main|Bat-Kohen}}
Although Torah law allows for a [[Bat-Kohen|bat-kohen]] to marry a ''challal'', convert, or freed slave (Hebrew ''eved meshukhrar''), the Midrash and Talmud cite [[Johanan bar Nappaha]]'s view that a daughter of the kohen is best off marrying a kohen. Rabbi Yochanan maintains that in the event a ''bat-kohen'' marries a non-Kohen, undesired results for the groom are likely to surface, such as poverty or the demise of the groom. An exception to this taboo is if the groom is a ''[[Talmid Chacham]]''.<ref>''[[Yalkut Shimoni]]'' to Leviticus p. 738 (HaMaor edition), Talmud [[Pesachim]] p. 49a</ref>

== Medical aspects ==
{{Main|Medical genetics of Jews|}}
Considering the prevalence of a number of [[Genetic disorder|genetic disease]]s in both the [[Ashkenazi]] and [[Sephardi]] communities, several organisations (most notably [[Dor Yeshorim]]) routinely screen large groups of young people anonymously, only handing them a telephone number and a PIN. When a ''shidduch'' is suggested, the candidates can phone the organisation, enter both their PINs, and find out whether their union could result in critically disabled children. Although the implementation has been controversial, there has been a sharp decrease in the number of children born with [[Tay–Sachs disease]] and other genetic disorders since its inception.<ref>Leiman, Yehoshua. "Yosef Eckstein - Trailblazer in Genetics for the Jewish World and Beyond". Personal Glimpses, supplement to Hamodia, Pesach 5766 (April 2006), page 24-27.</ref>

==Notable ''shadchonim''==
* [[Tova Weinberg]]
* [[Aleeza Ben Shalom]]

== See also ==
* [[Jewish views on marriage]]
* [[Jewish wedding]]
* [[Negiah]] (guidelines for physical contact)
* [[Niddah]] (menstruation laws)
* [[Segula (Kabbalah)]]
* [[Shidduch crisis]]
* [[Shalom bayit]] (peace and harmony in the relationship between husband and wife)
* [[Yichud]] (prohibitions of secluding oneself with a stranger)

== References ==
{{Reflist}}

== Books ==
* Shani Stein. "The Survival Guide to Shidduchim". New York, NY: Feldheim publishers, 1997. {{ISBN|1-56871-132-8}}.
* Leah Jacobs, Shaindy Mark. "Shidduch Secrets". Shaar Press, 2006. {{ISBN|1-4226-0220-6}}.

{{Jewish life}}
{{Women in Judaism}}

[[Category:Dating]]
[[Category:Intimate relationships]]
[[Category:Jewish culture]]
[[Category:Jewish life cycle]]
[[Category:Jewish marital law]]
[[Category:Matchmaking]]
[[Category:Yiddish words and phrases]]
[[Category:Aramaic words and phrases in Jewish law]]
[[Category:Hebrew words and phrases]]